


Save or save as

by PinkLotus (EspurrsVena)



Category: HALO (Korea Band), ORBIT (Japan Band), Produce 101 (Japan TV)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Relationship(s), guess the past lover..., no beta we die like real men, very Heecheon centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:21:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24701482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EspurrsVena/pseuds/PinkLotus
Summary: Heecheon wished he could move on from his past lovers as easy as people in movies. Yet after months his heart still yearns for the person he used to consider his soulmate.But there is another more important constant in his life.
Relationships: Jung Younghoon | Ooon/Kim Heecheon
Kudos: 3





	Save or save as

**Save or Save as  
身勝手な僕から「さよなら」告げた  
はずなのに ねぇ胸が苦しいよ  
何度悔やんでも 二度とは戻れないこと  
頭じゃわかってるけど  
上書き保存できないから **

_Save or Save as  
My egoistic self was supposed to  
say “goodbye”, right? My chest feels tight  
No matter how often I regret It’s something I can’t go back to  
My mind understands it but  
it’s because I can’t save the changes _

Sometimes Heecheon wondered whether he secretly controlled the weather with his mood or whether it was the opposite.  
It was raining outside and his mood on the inside wasn’t much better. At least the rain wasn’t reflected on his face this time. He was tired of crying. Tired of crying for someone who most likely didn’t waste a single tear for him anymore.  
Yet the worst part was that he knew he wasn’t over the person yet. It was rare for Heecheon to let himself fall for someone, too much pain happened in the past already, yet when he fell for someone those feelings didn’t vanish overnight. No, they needed a long time to vanish. 

That’s why he kept a lot of people at distance. Once he let someone into his life, it meant that person was invited to stay forever, yet people tend to leave too soon. It made him question himself. Wasn’t he worth of company and love? Was there something wrong with him?  
He knew he wasn’t the easiest person to deal with, but he was someone who valued honesty. Why should you fake something? He didn’t see a reason in that. 

At one point in his life, he thought he had finally found someone who understood him. Despite coming from different backgrounds each other’s company felt right from the very first moment. Despite not speaking the same mother tongue, they could understand each other without words. Despite all the hardships and challenges, he thought he finally met the person who would stay with him forever.  
Despite those feelings, he messed up. 

Eventually, the hardships became more than the bright moments. If those sorrows had only affected him, it would have been alright. He was used to them; his life had been full of those. Yet the day came when everything started to affect his lover, too. He knew he had to do something as the older and more experienced one of them, it was his responsibility to protect him. 

“Stop saying this. You know that the reason for all that is different. It’s not because of you.”  
“But what if? If your dream doesn’t come true because of me, I will hate myself forever.”  
“We can overcome this together. Stop beating yourself up.” 

One day, for the first time in his life he was the one who left. His heart wanted him to stay but his mind knew it was the wiser decision. He couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t watch the most precious person in his life suffer because of him. In the last weeks, the hardships had taken a toll not only on his mind but on his body, too. He had to go to end the suffering for both of them. It was better to sacrifice himself, so that his lover had a chance of happiness.

Ultimately, he was proven right. His dear was able to fulfil his dream once he was out of the way and his body started to heal, too. Yet his mind and heart were still a mess. They weren’t able to let go of the other one, still too strongly attached to him. Even the heartbreak of seeing him moving on didn’t help. Once Heecheon let someone into his heart, it was meant to be open for this person forever.  
He hated himself for being weak. 

He wanted to move on, too, yet he had no idea how. Still trapped in the feelings of the past and fearing to be hurt again made it impossible for him to search for someone new. Also, he never really dated in his life anyway. He always stumbled over his past relationships in moments he wasn’t even looking for someone. Maybe, he thought, it was better to stay alone. Maybe he was meant to be alone from the very beginning anyway.

However, besides his intention of staying alone in the future, there were people who crawled into his life again, who tried to break his bubble of fake safety. And for some reason, he let them. For some reason, the loneliness was worse than the fear of another person leaving him. For some reason, he even let someone into his life again who had left him before. 

The rain hadn’t stopped yet and for a moment Heecheon thought about phoning one of the members in Japan. He needed a distraction from the loneliness and the dark thoughts invading his brain. Talking Shunya was always a good distraction because he could talk without catching his breath in between the words. Trying to understand him made his mind busy and that’s what he needed. But then again afterwards he often felt like a bad leader, being separated from the main part of his group due some stupid laws of his home country. 

Yet before he could call anyone, he heard a knock on his door. He knew on the spot who knocked because there was only one person who kept invading his space. A part of him didn’t want to open it, he opened too much for that person in the past. Yet that company was still better than the loneliness, so he went to the door and opened it for Younghoon. 

The older one stood there with an annoying smile, snacks and his laptop and made his way into Heecheon’s apartment like it was his own one.  
“What are you doing here?”  
“I saw the weather after waking up and guessed that your mood is equally bad. Speaking from your current expression I was right.”  
Heecheon hated how well the other one could read him and he used it to break into his life once again. “So?”  
“I have snacks and a good movie to distract you.” 

Without having the chance to refuse, he was pulled on the sofa next to Younghoon who started the movie. Of course, it was some cheesy romance movie, the one Heecheon hated for being unrealistic, but Younghoon loved for that exact reason. What made the movie even worse, was that the protagonist was in the same situation as him, not having moved on from their past lover, yet during the movie he met someone else who helped him to finally move on. It made him pretty sure that the older one had picked that movie on propose. 

“It was good, wasn’t it?” Younghoon was still smiling when it ended, an expression Heecheon couldn’t share.  
“No. You know I hate those kinds of movies.”  
“You should-”  
“I know. I know I should move on, too, but I can’t. It’s not as easy for me as it’s for you.” 

Sometimes, in a few rare moments Heecheon wished that his mind was more like Younghoon’s one. His group member didn’t worry about things as much as him and he was able to move on after a short time. He was even forgiving and easily gave people second or even third chances. Yet at the same time after all those years he couldn’t understand his mind at all. One day he left, just to come back a short time later. 

“If it’s about-”  
“No, it’s not! I realised long ago that we don’t belong together that way. When you just left me on the day, my life and my dream was taken away from me, the day I needed you the most, I realised that I don’t need you in my life. I still have no idea why I let you into it again when you showed up a few weeks later with the idea how to let my dream stay alive at least. But your genius plan failed and somehow, I’m still stuck with you.” 

“Hee, you know I’m sorry for this and it was a mistake back then. But I thought you moved on. You were so happy with-”  
“I was and that’s the worst. I thought I had met my soulmate. Yet he has moved on by now and meanwhile my heart still yearns for him. If you hadn’t been so stupid back then...” Heecheon knew it was wrong to blame the other one for his pain, especially when he wanted to help, yet it was one of the rare occasions that his anger took over his mind. 

The part of him that knew that his attitude was wrong expected Younghoon to be mad at him, too, and leave him, yet his reaction was right the opposite. Suddenly, Heecheon was pulled into the older one's arms. “I am sorry, Hee. If I could turn back time and do something different, I would do that for sure. But that’s not possible, so please move on and stop beating yourself up.”  
“He said the same back then...”  
“He was right. You always take everything too much to your heart. And don't tell me that I'm wrong. You can act as secretly as you want, you are easy to read, Kim Heecheon.” 

Heecheon always hoped it wasn’t the case. To protect himself he wanted to be hard to read. He didn't want people to see how much things affected him. He wanted not to care, yet he always did.  
But then there were people like Younghoon who managed to look right through that and read him like an open book. No matter how much he tried to shield himself, the wrong people had those ability to read him and he hated it. “You just know me too long.”  
“And that’s why I know that you won’t kick me out.” 

The taller one knew what his friend meant. He didn’t mean the apartment, no, he meant his heart. He knew that once you were allowed to enter, the key was usable forever. That was valid even when you were an annoying person like Younghoon who just entered and left his heart at any time he wanted to. As much as Heecheon wanted to shut him out sometimes, he knew he wasn’t able to do that. “I want to.”  
“You can’t.” As the fool as Younghoon was he hugged his friend tighter, to prove his physical superiority. But the reason could also be that Younghoon was a hopeless romantic who thought that he could make those broken pieces inside of Heecheon stick together again. And for some reason, Heecheon let him do that. 

“I hate you.” might have been Heecheon’s words, but he hugged his ex-lover, his friend, his group member, that one annoying constant in his life back.  
“You don’t, Tsuncheon.” Younghoon’s laugh was an annoying and comforting sound at the same time, so he stayed in those arms that seemed to promise safety.  
“Don’t call me like that.” Maybe he was a tsundere, but that didn’t mean the others were allowed to call him that. When Shunya had called him one, he made sure that Yugo would tease him for the rest of the week. (Heecheon had no idea what was Shunya’s problem with their youngest anyway. Yugo was cute and that he freely spoke his mind made him only cuter.) 

“Heetsun?”  
“No!”  
“Heedere?”  
“I’m going to kill you.” Physically speaking that was impossible anyway but he hoped that voice sounded at least somewhat threatening when he broke the hug. But anywise, he felt a smile creeping on his face. Younghoon knew which buttons he had to push on him and that’s what he truly hated, no liked about him. 

“Sure, good luck with that. But let’s watch another movie first.”  
“Please no romance movie.”  
“How about Parasite?”  
“Is that a movie about you?”  
If Heecheon was honest with himself, Younghoon’s presence was something he didn’t want to lock from his heart anymore. No matter what kind of way they will take in the future, he hoped that it wouldn’t let him separate from the older one again. He was one of the people that didn’t let you move on and for once he was glad about his inability to do so.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I should writing my thesis, but well...  
> I got this idea during my daily "sad about orbit"-hours and Heecheon might hate me for writing this, but who cares? That man hates everything lol  
> I hope you enjoyed reading this!  
> See ya~


End file.
